April 20 - Day 3 - Back in San Diego

With a storm coming, I decided to ride back into San Diego with Jan, who had just dropped off another set of hikers at the border. I hung out for the day at Scout's and Frodo's house. A father/daughter duo, who had hiked from the border into Lake Morena, came back with me to ride out the storm, too. The rain began about 4 pm.

I finally sat down with Scout and had a long talk about my trip, my expectations, etc. I cannot say that my time on the trail was "not what I expected." It was exactly what I expected. However, I have become overwhelmed with the prospect of hiking this trail alone. Yes, there are other people on the trail. Yes, they are very friendly. Yes, I can walk with them some and share breaks with them, and even camp in their general vicinity if I want. But ultimately I have to make every decision and perform every task by myself. There will be no one to help me. To say that the logistics of this trip are daunting is an understatement. While finding water on the trail is rather easy right now, it will become exceedingly difficult. There will be 20 to 30 mile stretches of trail without any water source. Rationing water will become necessary throughout the day. It is one of many stressful events associated with this hike.

I knew I would be hiking alone. I even talked about it with several people. I thought it would make life easier, since I wouldn't have to keep pace with anyone else or make compromises, etc. I could hike when I wanted, how far I wanted, and stop whenever and wherever I wanted. Which all sounds good from the comfort and security of one's home, or sitting around a familiar restaurant table with friends. Now that I'm here, it's terrifying. Truly. The degree of isolation is overwhelming. While on the trail, I was out in the middle of absolutely nowhere. While there were dozens of hikers on the same section of trail with me, as time passes, we will all spread out, and there will be fewer and fewer people around. I'm a generally self-confident person, but now that I'm experiencing this, I've become extremely insecure.

So what am I going to do? Don't know yet. I'm really struggling with this. I've lost confidence in myself. I do not believe that I can successfully thru-hike the PCT. I realize I was on the trail only a day and a half, but it was an eye-opening day and a half. It was enough to get the general idea of what the next 2,630 miles would be like. I'm going to hang out in San Diego for a day or two and help Scout and Frodo transition dozens of hikers onto the trail. The PCT kick-off party will be Thursday through Sunday at Lake Morena campground. I will make a decision by this weekend about what I'm going to do. I had started a week early to acclimate, so I have time to hang out and re-group. Meanwhile, I'm having fun at Scout and Frodo's meeting all the hikers -- past and present. I've done so much research and read so many trail journals that I recognize many past hikers by name, so it's nice to put a face to a name. It's been a very interesting experience so far.

Well, enough for now, we're about to have dinner. People are pouring into the house. There should be 17 people here for dinner. Tomorrow will be 25. It's busy, but fun.